Tried to carry our folding bike down for the first time on the 25th, couldn't make it past the first step, However that may have been due to an empty belly, and pounding heart from the supsense of the task.
We think this could be beneficial in a way, though; It'll give us a task to focus on. We'll try every other day or so, to complete the task again. Every time, we'll make note to ourselves of how it feels.
It will motivate us, focus us, on healing, on restoring ourselves to the point we want to reach.
We definetly have long covid of some form, in addition to other disabilities; Physical excersise likely only harms us, or comes with major tradeoffs. Yet, we nontheless, feel we can manage this much regularly- manage to slowly, gradually, measure our progress, as we focus on healing.
Even if we never complete the task once, the task could give us focus, a clear tangible goal, that we're motivated enough to complete. Even if we never complete it once, we'll nontheless be trying to complete it.
This, focus and determination, was something we've not yet been able to feel for many other tasks we want to do. Not for art, for writing stories, for table games.
We think perhaps its a result of the adrenaline that this tasks gives us, when we attempt it.
We can feel it, we think. We can tell how other disabled beings, especially with long covid. Overestimate themselves, push themselves too far, and break; that sense of adrenaline feels intoxicating, so much so that even if a task became harder overtime, the resulting greater adrenaline might make it feel only better to try.
Fortunately or unfortunately, however, we have much experience with the intoxication of a process that one can do any time one wishes. Capitalist jobs, social media, video games, intimacy, and of course our neurodiversity; We know all to well their dangers, we know all to well not to let ourselves be pulled too deep. And luckily for us, we also have very good internal intuition.. If something goes wrong, we may know even before it does. (also by now would know if the attempt had a bad effect on our health, hence waiting to post)
We've also much experience with impossible tasks, with possibly no achievable goal- Our life, convincing people, beating our martial arts instructor, and some video games with that specific mechanic- of a literally unachievable, made impossible by hard coded game-mechanics, task, that is nontheless fought to achieve. We know it may not matter for us, as long as we feel progress of some kind is theoretically possible, and see a clear path forward.
So we'll keep trying, as we feel able too. Every other day or so, we'll try to roll or carry that bike down the stairs. And we'll make mental note of our health, what we've recently eaten, done, felt. Take out what hurts, increase what works. And maybe someday we'll achieve the task.
If we don't, at least we'll have healed some along the way