when our histamines build up, and compress us,
we cannot move well, if at all
all of our body is tension, and our mind struggles to endure the pain
but as always our thoughts are free and fluid, and thus seek release - support, a way to help, or a way to defend from threats
but since we're so hypersensitive like this. since even , any stresser, can trigger a even worse reaction. the support must be from someone inclusive enough, near perfect for us. and such people it seems are very rare.
so ideally we'd find a way to help. but without people and life in general around us irl, we cannot move well. we cannot help right now, if connecting with lives via internet alone. hence our attempts , if done, in this state are haphazard and choppy. overbearing, or toxic. we end up hurting people.
so a way to defend. but again, it takes too much energy for us to defend from state and capital and fascism via only internet, on our own, without inclusive support. so our attempts to defend, if resorted too, also end up haphazard and choppy. misdirected, punching sideways/down, done poorly, and/or toxic.
so we try to cut ourselves off from everyone. to heal on our own, until we can do one of these or gain strength to meet irl. but we cannot heal on our own, we fear, even understanding histamine reactions. possibly even with doctors now that our family helps. for we fear we lack energy to figure out and deal with all triggers.
but even if we meet irl first to heal, how can we be sure we won't hurt those we meet, too?
how can we be sure it will go well enough, that the memory won't be another burden, and hold us back?
. it looks like we're privlidged enough that family could help us move next year. and that would certainly be enough to help us.
but we don't want to run from this place we are, to leave only harm behind us, again. and we don't want to end up having been unable to deal with this problem, have to have it wholly fixed for us. we want to make an impact on it ourselves, prove , ourselves, even if only to ourselves.
i don't know , why, exactly. it just feels, so immensly sad, to just. wait and leave. after all thats happened, good and bad, harm caused and ways we've been helped, to leave nothing good behind us here.
one way or another we have been making progress here. even if we were to return , to give thanks. by then we'd definetly be different beings. more healed, better by our estimate. but different. it'd not be the same.
what should we do? why? whom can answer this for us, when we know no one, close to having both our experience and beliefs? only a few with the latter, a few with the former.
..
a whirlwind, a storm, a fire
yet exausted, a desert, alone